 Since I started this page, I've been thinking a lot about my life and things that are important to me and my development over the years. Religion has been a part of my life since I was born, although it has changed a lot since then. When I was going to my therapist at college, she asked me if I had stopped going to church because I was mad at God for taking my father. My reasons for not going to church have so much more to them than that. I'm not saying I'm happy my father died, but the question just doesn't make sense when you realize how I think. I went to church every Sunday with my mom and sisters, until eventually both sisters stopped going and it was just my mom and me. When I was very young the only reason I went without complaining was because I was allowed to eat M&Ms and play with these other 2 kids that would be there. When I had my First Holy Communion, I wasn't allowed to eat M&Ms anymore, which actually made me not like church as much. Besides that, I was always bored out of my mind after a few minutes, and sometimes I would just fall asleep. I began to hate church and saw no real point in it. Because I spent most of the time not paying attention to what the priest was saying, I never got anything out of it. My mom didn't have a great explanation as to why we go, and when I would ask her why I had to go, she would just say something like, "Because you do" or "Because I said so." That's not convincing any kid, so I figured she didn't know why we went either. Penance was also a reason I didn't want to go to church anymore. Rather than explaining it all over again, you can read about that here. Since I was very young, people were using God as an excuse to do whatever they wanted. I was told God wouldn't hear my prayers if I didn't say them out loud in school. I was told God would take away my ability to talk if I didn't use it. I was pretty much led to believe that God didn't like anything about me. I began to seriously doubt whether he existed or not. I was a major atheist for a while, in my later grade school/early high school years. If someone even mentioned anything about God or religion or anything I would get extremely annoyed. I couldn't stand to hear anything about it. When I first heard George Harrison's music, I couldn't stand to listen to it. It seemed to all be about God, and I just got so annoyed by it. But I liked the music itself sometimes, so I would listen just for the sound and not for the words. I started thinking about it, and I began believing in God again. By this time, my mom had given up on trying to force me to go to church. Eventually I was really trying to live my life like a good Christian is supposed to, but I hated to think of myself as a Christian. Nearly every Christian I had ever met had made me see that I didn't want people to think I was like that if I said I was Christian. The view I have when someone says "Christianity" is not a good one. I know someone who, when she was a bit younger and living at home, her mom would often kick her out of the house for no reason, she wouldn't let her eat out of the refrigerator, saying, "That food is for your brother and me, not you." She got rid of the girl's cat, which had never been out of the girl's room since she found it as a very young kitten, and refused to tell her where she had taken it. She would abuse this girl endlessly until she was finally taken in by my boss, who took total control over her care. But this girl's mother would NOT let her miss church on Sunday. Then there was the girl in high school who told me she wanted to stab me because I wouldn't talk to her. She sued the high school gym coach, who had taped her and others changing in the locker room, for, among other things, "loss of faith" because she had "been raised in a highly religious family". There was the nun at school who would pinch the back of my neck because I wouldn't talk to her. There was my priest, who told me I couldn't write my confession anymore because it took too long, even though it took half as long as everyone else. If I hear someone say that they're Catholic, that means nothing to me except that they probably act like one of these people. I didn't want people thinking that about me. I have to say the biggest reason I stopped going to church was probably my priest. He is one of the rudest, most stuck-up people I've ever met. My mom and several other people, many in their 70s, 80s, and 90s, spend so much time at the church hall making food for food sales and the church picnic. They're up there for hours every day for weeks or months before a sale, with no air conditioning. They have to stand in front of hot stoves or fryers for hours. They don't get paid anything for it. The priest sees nothing wrong with doing little more for them than saying "Thanks". And for the few times that I've seen him there helping, I think it's a bit rude of him to expect so much from people and do nothing to help out or thank them. Then he seems to have another envelope in the box every week for people to give more donations, even though no one in my town is rich. But he lives a nice life, in a nice house, with a nice brand new car, several housekeepers, etc. I would think that he should be sending money to somewhere that needs it, as Catholics are supposed to help other people. I hadn't been in the church for many months, but my mom convinced me to go see some program or whatever with her one time. There was a brand new podium, much bigger and more ornate than the old one. You had to go up steps to get to the top to speak. It had to cost at least $1000 to buy and install. All I could think was, "Wasn't there something better the money could have been used for?" That's besides the new tile floor and carpeting that's recently been installed. My mom says he's trying to restore it to the way it used to look. Even though there's absolutely nothing wrong with the way it looks, and none of the repairs being done are needed to improve the conditions of the church. If he's trying to get new people to come to the church, he better start doing something else, because a new podium won't convince me to start going to church. I'll donate my money to the SPCA where I know it will be put to use somewhere where it's actually needed. This same priest had to be asked numerous times just to give $500 toward my high school tuition. I despise wasting money, probably because I know what it's like to not have enough. I will fix things myself or go without things to avoid wasting money on them. My watch is held together with staples, tape and a rubber band, but it still works and it took 10 seconds to make it stay together. I'm not stingy or hiding money in my mattress, but if the only reason you're getting rid of something is because you don't feel like going a little out of your way to make it work, then you're just wasting the money that could be used for something good. I can't see installing a $1000 podium just because you can. Everything about Catholicism annoys me now. When people think that spending an hour in church gives them the right to do whatever they want, it just doesn't make sense. I think that 98% of people go to church to show off. They want to make sure other people see them being good Catholics, so they don't have to actually do anything to make people think that. Many years ago, I asked my mom why, if we're not supposed to show off when we're praying so that it doesn't seem we're just praying to let other people see how good we're being, why do we have to go to church? I would prefer to act like a good person and not go to church rather than go to church and act like a jerk the rest of the time. Or, as someone I knew in college said last year, maybe people just go to church because they're not confident about their faith. They doubt themselves, and go to church to make up for it and show other people that they have faith. I don't feel bad about not going to church at all. I know that my faith is strong, and I don't need someone to confirm it once a week. As I think more about it, I remember other things that led to my faith. One was the time my hamster got loose while I had him in one of those balls where they can run around the floor. The ball splitin half, but I didn't notice until he was out of sight. I prayed to God to help me find him, and if I did I would start praying every day. It wasn't 2 minutes later that I found the hamster. Then there was high school, where throwing things was very popular. In religion class, people would bring superballs, footballs, food, candy, anything that could be thrown. When the teacher wasn't looking, things went flying everywhere. Everyone hated the class and saw it pretty much as a joke, so this was our way of making it fun. I threw something one day, and from then on people were giving me things to throw because I was good at doing it without getting caught. All those years of being quiet and watching people gave me an advantage. I was becoming more popular, people were starting to like me more now that I was throwing stuff. Then came Lucy, my girl at the SPCA. We loved each other, and I didn't want her to get adopted because I was so attached. One day there was a note on the board at the SPCA that Lucy was on hold for someone to adopt her. I prayed to God that if Lucy was allowed to stay with me, I would stop throwing things in religion class. Later I found out it was a different dog named Lucy, who I didn't even know we had. I stopped throwing things, even though people kept giving me things to throw. They started to get annoyed with me, but I knew that in a few months I would never see them again. Lucy could be with me for years. It was hard not to give in, but I just pretended to never have a chance to throw whatever it was. Lucy's still with me. My faith would probably be confusing to anyone I tried to explain it to. I guess it's sort of close to Buddhism, but not totally. I believe in reincarnation, but I think you can come back as whatever you want, whenever you want. If I die I can choose to be a grasshopper in the year 3071. For some reason, we all chose to be on the world at this time. Maybe you're even best friends with yourself from another life. Maybe you're your own pet, or maybe you're the cow you ate for dinner. I still believe in the idea of going to heaven or somewhere once we've reached a certain level of our faith. I don't believe that we need to follow the Bible or the Ten Commandments exactly. For example, what good is going to confession? What's the point of having someone listen to your sins? If you are truely sorry for something, you won't do it again and you don't need someone to tell you that God has forgiven you for it. As far as I'm concerned, all you need to do to be happy and follow God's word is to take care of the world and everyone and everything on it. That means not being greedy and collecting things you don't need. That means helping everyone who needs your help instead of ignoring them or pushing them away. That means accepting everyone for who they are instead of making fun of them or trying to change them. Since I started thinking this way a few years ago, I am much more tolerant of people. I don't get annoyed as easily, because I am able to understand that maybe the reason a person is acting the way they are is because they are having a bad day or something. I don't hate someone for their actions. In fact, I don't hate anyone. I rarely use the word, because for me to dislike someone enough to hate them, they would have to do something BIG. I might not especially like everyone in the world, but I can tolerate them and forgive them for whatever they've done. I'm willing to help someone no matter what they've done to me, even if they never apologize. I don't do nice things for people with the expectation that they do something for me. But I'm not like this because I want everyone to like me. I'm just like this because I think if everyone acted like they actually care, the world would be a lot better. I get my enjoyment out of seeing other people happy or knowing that I did something to make them smile. That's all that matters to me. I'm not mad about my father dying either. Everyone dies. And I believe that everything happens for a reason, and nothing 'bad' can happen. Maybe I woke up late yesterday because if I had woken up when my alarm went off, I would have been in a car accident on the way to work. Maybe my computer was messed up today because if it hadn't been I would have downloaded some virus onto it. Maybe I got bit at work a few years ago because if I hadn't been in the hospital I would have been killed on the way home from work. Maybe my father died when he did because he would have gotten cancer in a few months and died a slow, painful death. I never get upset about things, because they can always be worse. I got most of my main beliefs from music. Most of George Harrison's music is about God or spirituality. For example, from 'Art Of Dying', 'There'll come a time when all of us must leave here/Then nothing Sister Mary can do will keep me here with you///There'll come a time when most of us return here/Brought back by our desire to be/A perfect entity/Living through a million years of crying/Until you've realized the art of dying'. It's true I didn't believe most of this stuff when my father died, as I wouldn't even know the Beatles for many years. But even then I didn't hate God for it. I still miss my father, but I have memories of him, teaching me how to ride a bike, setting up a spot for a computer for us to play really old Pong-type (?) computer games, working on motorcycles downstairs in his motorcycle repair shop, carrying me upstairs when I broke my arm. We pass by the factory where he was killed in an explosion every time we come to the college or go home from it. But I'm not sad about his death. Everyone has a purpose, and his must have been fulfilled. That's just the way it goes.
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