 Everyone has a 'cause', something they work for or spend all their time trying to educate other people about. I used to think that these 'causes' were pointless, because if someone is dedicated to one, they tend to ignore all the others, which may be just as important. Then I realized that if everyone devoted themselves to something they know a lot about or care a lot about, a lot can get done. Everyone can make a difference in their own way, so this is my 'cause'. A bit of background before I start my story: My name is Maureen, I'm from Pennsylvania, and I'll be 19 on May 20, 2006. I have worked at a local SPCA for the past 5 years, I play the guitar (not very well anymore), I am a freshman in college, and I have grown up with Selective Mutism. It hasn't always been an easy life for me, despite all the people who used to tell me how easy I had it because I didn't have to talk. My life isn't one I would wish on my worst enemy, if I had one, but I wouldn't trade it for any other. I used to never want to think about my SM. I was embarrassed by it, I thought the whole thing was childish, and I could just 'turn it off' if I really wanted to. I pushed any thoughts of it out of my mind all the time. But for some reason, in January 2006, I searched 'selective mutism' on Yahoo! search. I think I was sick of people thinking I hated them because I wouldn't make conversation. I knew at that point that I wasn't coming back to the college I had chosen, and I wanted to be able to let people know why I was the way I was. Then I found an SM support group on Yahoo!, and after a while, among lots of research, after hearing stories of teachers who refused to accept written answers from a student, of parents who didn't think their kid needed help, of grandparents and aunts and uncles who wouldn't believe that such a disorder existed and the child would soon 'grow out of it', of kids being punished for being 'stubborn', I wanted to tell people what can happen when you let something go for too long. I noticed that kids who got help when they were very young did much better in the long run than those who didn't. I hear complaints from adults with SM, who say, 'Why did it have to be me? Why couldn't someone else have this instead? I have no friends. I hate my life.' I feel incredibly lucky that my life has turned out in the way it has. Sometimes I would be laying in bed or getting a shower or whatever, and for as hard as I was trying to not think about my SM, I would end up thinking of how things could have been different, what could have been done, what was never done. I would think of things that could have helped, or how something made me feel. I would think, 'I should write that down and do something with it someday.' But I never did, and just kept pretending that nothing was wrong with me. I finally knew I wasn't completely alone, because my mom had told me of a girl whose mother she was talking to one day. The girl was in danger of failing in school because she refused to talk to the teacher. Specifically, I wanted to help this girl, but I didn't know how. I cried thinking about her going through the same things I went through. But what could I do? So I pushed the thought away. This site started out very small. It was one page total, but as I thought of more and more, it grew so much I had to split things up. It seemed that once I started letting myself think about it, I started remembering things that were long stored away as far as possible from ever being allowed out again. I know there's studies now that say that adults who think about things from their childhood like this might only be hurting themselves, that it doesn't help them get over their problems. But for me it wasn't like that. It was like I was finally allowed to admit there was a problem, and I was finally able to see that it wasn't my fault. It was a weight lifted off me. I could understand why I am how I am now, and therefore I could stop blaming myself every time I had trouble with something. I can heal my own mind now, and hopefully prevent other people from having to do the same later on. Making this page has been a difficult process. I didn't want my roommates to be 'reading over my shoulder' while I was working on it, simply because I didn't feel like trying to explain the problem and getting blank looks or looks of confusion. If my roommates have been wondering why I was staying up until 5AM some nights, this page is the reason. Don't take it personally; it's not you, it's me. I've seen the faces people have made before, without even knowing that they were doing so. This page has also been an interesting look back for me on my life. When I would think of an idea, or something that happened that I had forgotten about, I would write it in a Works document. That document has grown to 34 pages, in size 10 font; over 27,000 words. It's taken a lot of sorting through but it's been worth it. This page is permanently 'Under Construction'. I'd been told so many times by people who didn't understand that 'they were shy when they were younger but they grew out of it', so I believed I would grow out of it. When I was in grade school, I would tell myself that by the time I was 16, I would be more mature and grown out of the not-talking. Now I realize that I won't grow out of it - SM is what I am and always will be. All I can do is get control of it and work with it, which isn't too difficult really. From time to time I will update, but once school is over I won't be spending as much time on my computer, plus when I'm at home there really isn't much happening to write about. I have changed peoples' names here, just in case, I guess to protect the ignorant or whatever. Everyone is named after an unadoptable SPCA dog. I was once told by my therapist that I should write a book about my life. I thought, 'Who would buy that?' I didn't think I had anything to write about. I saw my life as 'normal' because I didn't have anything to compare it to. Now that I'm able to see what was happening, I can see that my life wasn't 'normal'. As I was doing this page, I realized that it was becoming really long, and I was looking for ways to shorten it. I couldn't take anything out, because everything on this page really happened as it was written. I haven't made up or exaggerated anything. I feel like I've written my book, and since it's a book it's divided into 'chapters' by year. I hope it's not too difficult to read. If there are any questions, comments, or suggestions, please email me at maureen0789@yahoo.com. So this is my story: Chapter 1
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