 Senior year (12th grade)
We got a new music teacher at my school, but I never had him for class. I continued taking guitar lessons from Mr. B at his house, up to the week before I went to college. He had asked me junior year if I wanted to join the bandfront, just to hold a flag, because they didn't have enough people. I sort of agreed, and later I was told that they still didn't have enough people to do this, so they were just removing the flag-holders and I could do the flag-twirling part of the show. I was ok with holding it, but the idea of going through a whole routine in front of people made me really uncomfortable. But it still kind of sounded like fun, and I was sick of being held back by my nervousness. I didn't want to not do it and wonder for the rest of my life if I would have had fun with it. So when the new music teacher asked me, I agreed, and a few days before the beginning of school I had my first lesson from the other 3 people in the group. It wasn't too bad, and after a few practices, we had our first show. I almost backed out at the last minute, meaning seconds before we were to go out, but I couldn't because I didn't want to have the other 3 hate me or think I didn't care about them and the show, plus I knew how I would feel if I didn't go through with it. Our performance was in the school gym, and it was the only time I had ever seen the gym that full, as it was also some kind of pep rally for the football team. The gym was packed, and the 4 of us were only a few feet away from the bleachers. I was looking eye to eye at the people there. Again, I just pretended to not care, that it didn't bother me. I pretended I was confident, and as it turned out, all of us did a great job, no one messed up at all for the 3 songs we did. Considering that I'm one of the most uncoordinated people ever, I think that was pretty good. I made sure to keep an eye on the people next to me, to make sure I was staying with the routine, since when I get nervous I forget everything. But I wasn't even forgetting it this time. So I ended up going to all the football games, which was part of the reason I even agreed to do the flag-twirling thing. Lucy and Hannah had made up my mind, when I told them about the new music teacher asking me again about joining. I had told them half-joking because the idea had seemed sort of ridiculous to me, but they seemed excited about it, telling me how much fun it was (they had done it a couple years earlier but switched to cheerleading). So I decided to do it, so I could go to football games with them. My favorite part of the away games was halftime, or at the beginning of the home games, when we did our 3 songs. I also got to go to the fair to do a show. I loved it every time we got to perform. I was always nervous, but I just kept pretending I wasn't. My suggestion, if you're nervous about going on stage or whatever, is to just hold your head up, put a confident, maybe even bored, look on your face, walk like you're confident, just do everything to make it look like you're not nervous. It really works to make you feel less nervous. The funny thing about me doing the bandfront thing was that, as I mentioned before, any type of movement in school or around people made me uncomfortable. I couldn't shift my legs or scratch an itch, for fear that I would call attention to myself. Somehow, though, once I got out on the field or wherever, I had no trouble moving around at all. It was at one of the football games that the band drummer asked me to go to the prom with him. He was a bit eccentric, and the same kid who, a few years earlier, wanted to blow up the school or whatever because he hated everyone. I was only in one class with him back then, and I sat right behind him. Every time I came into the classroom, he would move his seat forward and say something weird to me, like maybe he would just say my name really weird or ask me why I don't talk. So when he asked me to the prom a few years later, I was a bit surprised, but I agreed. I hadn't intended to go, in fact it never even crossed my mind because I automatically assumed I wasn't going. I knew I would never get anyone else to go with me, and he seemed to have changed somewhat, so I figured it would be ok. And it was, nothing special but I had a good time. Of course, after the prom we went to a friend's house where there was alcohol and other stuff, and my date immediately proceeded to get drunk. Once he was drunk, he asked me if I was his girlfriend and if I'd go to the spring prom with him. I knew I could never be his girlfriend, mostly because of the way he seemed so eager to get drunk at any opportunity. He kept holding me next to him, and I couldn't get away until he finally passed out. I was the only one not drunk at the party. Later in school he kept telling people I was his girlfriend, and they would ask me and I would tell them I wasn't, and they would tell him, and he would tell them I was (certain people would play this game often to make me look bad, like "Oh, but Maureen said..."), and it took a few months of this until he finally left me alone (he told people he didn't like a 'silent relationship', he never told them about me never responding to his notes, which usually consisted of him telling me how much he loved me and that I could talk to him if I wanted.) Knowing this person as much as I did, I have a feeling it would have gotten abusive eventually, and I didn't want to deal with it. In religion class, we had to be 'married' this year. Long before we knew who our partner was, I felt bad for whoever would be stuck with me. I could only hope it would be someone who wouldn't mind too much, but in a class of about 20 or less, it doesn't give much of an option. My teacher had us write down 3 people in the class we would choose to be our partner for the assignment, and the first time I didn't write anyone down because I didn't care who it was. We had to do the thing again though, because a lot of people didn't write anyone down. So the 2nd time, I wrote down a couple names, of people I thought could handle it. When the teacher announced my name, I cringed a little because I knew the typical reaction whenever someone had to do anything with me. My partner's reaction wasn't unusual. He sat right next to me in class, and as soon as he heard his name, he said, "Oh, God!" and put his head down. I pretended not to be bothered by this. I heard him whispering to the person next to him that I wouldn't talk to him and it wouldn't work. He sounded really annoyed. We had to get together in a big circle with our partner next to us, and he refused to get out of his seat. When he finally did, he refused to sit next to me. He wouldn't even look at me. I knew he was embarrassed about it, since getting me as a partner is like a bottom-of-the-barrel sort of thing. I would be the worst possible partner for anything, just because I didn't talk. It didn't matter that my grades were better than most of the class, or that I would probably be easier to get along with than most people. My teacher took us aside and asked if it would work or if he would have to give us new partners. My partner, I guess satisfied that he had made enough of a scene that everyone knew he wasn't happy about it, and helped by Lucy telling him to grow up and stop being a jerk about it, agreed to just work with me. He never actually did any of the work, but it didn't matter because the teacher really wasn't very good and had gone beyond losing the entire class's interest by this point. No one handed in any of the work for the class. We never did get 'married'. My date for the prom had stopped telling people I was his girlfriend, but when the spring prom came around, he seemed to think it was all settled that I would go with him. There was no way I would go with him, because that would get people thinking I really was going out with him after all. By that time, anyway, the school guidance counselor had asked me what I thought about going with 'Chase', another senior. He was in my Environmental Science class, but I didn't really know him well. All I knew was that he had been diagnosed with brain cancer about 2 years earlier. He was mostly better by this time, I guess, at least he was back in school just about every day. He didn't have many friends anymore, and no one really bothered with him. He kept to himself, and didn't talk much, probably because he talked sort of slowly and seemed unsure of himself. He just walked to class every day with his head down, looking at the floor, and I kind of felt bad for him. I agreed to go to the prom with him, not because I felt bad for him but because I knew you only have one senior prom, and after all he'd had to deal with, I thought it would be awesome if he could go. There was never a doubt in my mind that I would go with him. I guess I figured he wasn't much different than me, and he wouldn't make a big deal of things, so I talked to him right away. I'm not sure if he was surprised or what, but he never said anything to me about it. When I got to his house, Chase was like a completely different person. I think it was because I had never really seen him smile before, and just judging by the look on his face, I knew that I had done the right thing by going with him, not that I had questioned it before that. I could tell his parents were so happy, because I can't imagine what it must be like to not know if your kid is going to live or not, and then 2 years later see him go to the prom. I drove us to the prom, and eventually we got inside and found our table. We danced to a few songs, but most of the time they only played rap and other stuff you can't dance to, so we just stood around most of the time. We probably made the strangest couple, the 2 freaks just sort of standing there all night. I think we were both pretty surprised when they announced us Prom King and Queen! I was later told that the votes had never been that close to unanimous before. I was pretty nervous about dancing in front of everyone with him, but I thought, how many times is something like this going to happen? After a while everyone moved onto the floor to dance, and people kept congratulating us. Shania congratulated him, a little while after I went for a drink and she was staring at me, so I smiled at her to be nice and she gave me the typical evil "don't look at me" look. Then I realized that she had been expecting to be queen. She thought she was prettier and more deserving, not some scum like me. I knew she was jealous, and I just thought, well, you get what you deserve I guess, and I shrugged and walked away. I lost contact with Chase after his graduation party, but my mom sees his mom at the store sometimes, and I hope to somehow get in contact with him again. I would hate to have him think I just forgot about him after the prom. He did mention a couple times about coming to volunteer at the SPCA, which I think he would have if he wasn't nervous about going. I think if I mentioned it again he might actually come, which I would love to see. So a couple days after the prom, I graduated high school. I did this, still not saying a word to teachers or most kids. Altogether, in my entire school life I talked to 10 people, all classmates. My biggest worry for graduation was that someone would say, "Say something before the end!" I was convinced it would happen, and I had prepared myself to deal with it. I was pretty relieved when not one person said anything about me talking. There wasn't a hint towards asking me to say something. I think now, if I was to get back together with a bunch of classmates, I would be able to talk to Lucy, Hannah, Rose, and Nikita, who I talked to I believe that night at our after-graduation celebration, and one other person. I've seen classmates since then, and I haven't been able to say anything. They give me stranger looks now than they did before, I guess because they think I'll be over it by now. But I don't have control of it. I've learned to deal with it, but I can't make it go away. Maybe someday, at our high school reunion, I will talk to everyone, but I can't say for sure. I do think of mine as a 'success story'. I came out of it smiling, and that's all that really matters. Plus, I'm much more caring about other people than I might have been, because I've had years of knowing what it's like to be treated like garbage. Also, I've had years of just watching people. I can see what a person is feeling, by looking at their face or body movement. I'm much more tuned to understanding other people than most, because I have a lot more practice just examining them. I can tell when someone is feeling anxious, or nervous, or tense, or whatever. And, if I had had friends back in grade school, I might never have started at the SPCA. I only see good coming from my life, despite all the times I used to just sit there and cry because I didn't have any friends and I hated school and everything. I used to wish I had never been born. I spent all my time feeling sorry for myself. Then I read somewhere that you have total control over everything that happens to you. If you choose to feel sorry for yourself, or you choose to hold yourself back, that's only your choice. You only have yourself to blame. I've been on a few SM forums and groups online, and there's always someone saying that they don't have any friends, and they don't know why it couldn't have been someone else, and they hate everything. I get so sick of seeing this. Stop wasting your time whining about it and waiting for a solution to come to you! Do something about it. Get away from the computer and go outside or something. Do something outside of your comfort zone. It really does get easier, but only if you let it. If you sit there all day wondering why things are the way they are, you're not getting anywhere. Just accept it and move on. I couldn't believe it when I read someone's post saying 'why did this happen to me? Why couldn't it be someone else?' I would never say that. For one thing I wouldn't wish it on anyone else, but more importantly, this is who I am. My life has been shaped by my experiences. Maybe they weren't always the best but I survived. So can anyone else like me, if you just let yourself. My biggest hope now is that this page will be read by someone whose kid is being 'stubborn' in school, and they will realize that it's not the kid's fault and get them the help they need. I want to prevent anyone else from having to live my life. Of course, my life doesn't end here. I had to go to college. Previous Page | Next Page
| Main page | What is Selective Mutism? | My life | What music did | Links | 
|