  Freshman year of college
Since I started this page in January 2006 as a freshman in college, there isn't much more to look back at other than the first semester. I guess it'll take on a more 'diary' sort of form then. I wouldn't expect too many updates, since not much SM-related stuff happens anymore, but occasionally I will update with new experiences and thoughts. My biggest consideration when choosing a college was what people I would know there. If I was on the same campus as any of my HS classmates, I knew I wouldn't be able to talk, and I wanted to talk in college. I was seriously considering moving across the country to Los Angeles to live with my cousin, but I gave that idea up after a while. I also looked at colleges in New York, 8 hours away from home, because my aunt lives there. But I couldn't leave the SPCA, so I had to find somewhere close to home but not too close. I decided an hour away at least. So I managed to find a nice school about 45 minutes from home. I decided I would just drop out and go somewhere else if I found out any of my classmates were there, but luckily that didn't happen. Now I go home every weekend to work at the SPCA, and I haven't missed one weekend. I decided not to have any special preparations made for me at college, I didn't want anyone to know I didn't talk because if people knew, they would be expecting me to not talk. No one knew until now, and that's only because I've decided to send this page to a few people that I knew in college. It wasn't so bad, talking in college. I never really even thought about it, it never seemed like a big deal, I guess because for me it was never an option not to talk. I can understand talking to my roommates, because that's not even really a school setting. But I would have thought it would be difficult in class. Once I actually got to class, though, it seemed like I'd been talking all along. I never thought about it, it just happened. I was never like, Wow, I just talked in school. I've read paragraphs out loud to the class, with my teacher naturally continuously telling me to speak up. It gets so annoying, why can't people realize that not everyone in the world screams when they talk? Everyone could obviously hear me. I just get sick of the whole world's idea that you have to be loud, and if you're not you get ignored, or pushed away or stepped on. If people keep to themselves, they're a 'freak' to be made fun of. Why? I had my first oral presentation in my first semester English class. We had to tell a family story, something that had an effect on our own lives. It had to be I think 2 minutes long, and the teacher videotaped everyone. I got a C on my presentation, not bad for the first time I ever spoke in front of a group. My teacher asked me in our conference later on if I had ever done anything like that before, and I said no. He asked me if there was anything he should know, about me, and I just said no. He looked really confused, but let it go. He asked me if there was any time while I was speaking that I thought I was going to lose control. I said no, not mentioning the fact that I really did nearly pass out. I know everyone says it's impossible to faint when you're that nervous, because the fear raises your heartbeat. But I wonder what caused everything to sort of go dark for a second, and what caused me to sway a bit at that moment? I know that it was just willpower keeping me up, because I know that if I had given up, I would have fainted. I even thought about just doing it so I wouldn't have to present. C's not bad, is it? My second presentation didn't come until midway through the second semester. It was a group project, and we had to each present something for abour 2-3 minutes. The strange thing about it was, I was less nervous than everyone else. Maybe I've just learned how to handle nervousness better. I knew that if I just went up there and started talking I would forget everything, so I had it all written out on index cards. I just read them, reminding myself occasionally to slow down and breathe. I started to lose my breath a few times, but I hid my nervousness well I think. I looked around the room at everyone's face as I was speaking, and didn't stare at the cards the whole time. Someone told me later that I sounded nervous, as my voice had shaken a few times, but the little bit of nervousness that I showed was nothing compared to how I felt. Later my teacher gave each person an evalutation of their group: "Five of your classmates judged you "best", only 3 "worst", which made you neither objectionable nor brilliant. The powerpoint presentation was extremely elegant, well done, and helpful to the overall effect of your presentation, but all of you needed to edit your material to be more concise. Maureen needed to speak louder, but did as good a job as anyone else otherwise." I got a B for my part of the presentation. I don't think I'll ever be able to speak loud enough for people. I thought I was screaming during this presentation. It seems that no matter how loud I sound to myself, no one else thinks it's good enough. It's funny how they don't have trouble understanding me at the SPCA, where I speak no differently than at school. The trouble with college is that I have too much to do at home. It's hard enough to get all your work done on the weekends, especially when you have 16 hours of work to do at the SPCA, but I also had 2 guinea pigs, 2 hamsters, and 2 fish tanks to take care of. It was hard to cram everything into a weekend, and often my fish tanks or something would go un-done. I felt bad about it, but what else can you do when you're already up until 3AM working on an English paper? Most weekends I came back to school more tired than before, because I would go to sleep sometime around 5AM and get up at 8:30 both days. And even then I couldn't get everything done that I needed to get done. At least if I'm going to school at home I can spread this stuff out over the whole week. Maybe the reason I didn't enjoy college as much as maybe I should have was because I'm not a college type of person. I haven't grown up yet, at least not enough to spend all day sitting in a room working. I've said many times that I could never work in an office, after working at the SPCA for so long. I feel like I'm in an office, 24 hours a day. I have to be active, doing something, but I'm so bad at sports that there's no point in me going to the gym. When I'm working 5 days a week, I get all the activity I need, walking several miles a day, lifting 50 pound bags of food, it's like an aerobics and weight loss workout. But I feel good knowing that I'm actually doing something, rather than sitting around all day. When I'm at school I feel like I'm just wasting time. I don't see 'school' as being equal to 'education'. I learn a lot more on a daily basis by going to the SPCA or reading than I have at school. It's like my education has come to a stop, when all I'm learning about is art and music. It's not that I don't enjoy that stuff, it's just that I'm not learning anything I'll ever use. As quoted from a Bob Dylan CD booklet: "I would rather model harmonica holders than discuss aztec anthropology/english literature or history of the united nations" For the most part, college wasn't too bad. I had fun, and got good grades, and now it's time to move on. Right now, as I write this, I'm feeling a little sad. My roommates left yesterday, and the room seems unbearably empty. As soon as they were both gone, I had my music playing and I walked around the room a bit. I sat down to hear "In My Life" playing. There are places I remember All my life though some have changed Some forever not for better Some have gone and some remain All these places have their moments With lovers and friends I still can recall Some are dead and some are living In my life I've loved them all But of all these friends and lovers There is no one compares with you And these memories lose their meaning When I think of love as something new Though I know I'll never lose affection For people and things that went before I know I'll often stop and think about them In my life I love you more It was so sad, to hear the song playing just then. I realized how much I'll miss it here. I had this overwhelming feeling that I had to get out of the room, so I grabbed my library books and took them back to the library. I both don't want to leave, and want to get out of here as quickly as possible. The room is depressing. I'm transferring to a college closer to home next year. I haven't been homesick for a minute all year, but I miss the SPCA. If this college was closer to home, and a little cheaper, I would spend the next 3 years here. I know a lot of people seem to think I'm leaving because I don't like it here, and some even think I plan to drop out altogether. I've been told several times by people trying to convince me of something I know that, "You have the potential to get a degree. With your grades you wouldn't have any trouble getting a degree. No one can force you to go to college, and if you choose not to go that's your choice, but you would have much greater chances with a degree. Etc, etc." I don't want to go to college. I'm going because if I don't I will never hear the end of it from my grandmother and aunt. My sister is 27 and never finished her last year of college, and they're still bothering her about it. They believe that you can't be happy unless you have tons of money, but fortunately I can see that there are more important things in life. Even so, I'm not dropping out of college. I don't like to just give up, and it's only 3 years yet. I can deal with it. I just wish people would stop trying to convince me to do what I'm already doing. For the people who seem to think I'm leaving because I don't like the college, I want to tell you something. I'm transferring for one main reason: the SPCA. That's where my life is. It tears me apart every week when I have to leave. If I could, I would stay here. I'll recommend this college to anyone who asks. In fact, I'll give you an advertisement: click here! This place is perfect for me, and I love it. But I can't stay. Hopefully I've convinced everyone that the school itself is not the reason I'm leaving. To be honest, I think one ofthe things I'll miss most about the college is the train. I know everyone hates it, but I was obsessed with trains when I was younger, I had all sorts of model or wooden train sets that I wouldplay with for hours. I loved that there was a train that runs by the college, right out my window even. I'll miss that train. So right now it's 9:26PM on Wednesday, May 10, 2006. Tomorrow I have a music final, and then I go home. I should be studying for that, but I have to have this page finished before that so I can send it to the people I have to send it to. I'm sending this to my roommates and some other people I met this year, mostly because I want you to know why I am the way I am. I'm not just weird, there is actually a reason for it. Some people think I'm being rude, but if I really was I didn't even know about it. There have been times that have been less than comfortable for us all, like those times at dinner when it was just me and someone else. Sorry, I'm just really bad at making conversation. I'm so used to not talking, that to talk seems unnatural for me sometimes. So for all those awkward moments, I'm sorry. I always feel bad for people who try to make conversation with me, because the result is always the same. It's not even that I can't say what's on my mind, it's that most of the time I really don't have anything to say. I'm also going to try to send this to my school therapist, hopefully I have answered some of your questions on this page too. The reason that book you gave me never worked was because I already knew all that stuff. I knew that everyone gets nervous sometimes, and to get over our fears we have to step out of our comfort zone sometimes. The trouble is, I've been doing the stuff in that book for so long that it's pointless to read about it. The only reason I went to you was because I still get nervous when people stare at me. That's what happened in my meeting with the person who sent me to you, and if you'd like to send this page to her too go ahead. I happened to look down for a second and it seemed like after that I wouldn't be allowed to leave until I agreed to meet with you. Not that I didn't get anything out of our meetings. But I think it was hopeless from the beginning to even try, as there wasn't much you could have done to help me. I'm hoping now that everyone who reads this remembers it and passes it along. Maybe someone will read it and realize that it sounds just like their child or something. I don't want anyone else to have to go through what I went through. I would love to see links to this page on other sites. If you have a website about anything at all, teddy bears, NASCAR, music, feel free to put a link to this page on it. It's 3:46AM Thursday, May 11. I'm uploading this page to the internet right now. It's not totally finished, but for now it'll have to do. I want to do much more with it, but I don't have time. Someday it'll look a lot better. So I'll go pack up some more of my stuff so I'm ready tomorrow. This is just another chapter of my life, coming to an end. Luckily, it has a better end than most, and I expect a better beginning for the next one too! I won't be updating too much, but feel free to email me at any time, maureen0789@yahoo.com. And I'll be expecting visitors at the SPCA over the summer! Previous Page
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